How are you feeling?

Everyone keeps asking how I’m feeling. The answer is pretty easy. Pregnant. I feel like those terrible first few months of pregnancy. I am exhausted all the time and nauseated constantly and the only thing that keeps the sickness at bay is eating. And I mean REALLY eating. Which is super awesome by this girl. I’m encouraged to eat as much as I can. And. Well. For those who know me that’s kinda one of my greatest skills.

The nurses at the hospital were actually getting a chuckle out of me and started proactively arriving with sandwiches every couple of hours. I’m roughly eating 5000 calories a day (primarily healthy calories) snacking on nuts and bean salad every hour (Thanks Brenda for the never-ending supply of bean salad!). But it’s not a hard number to hit when you’re eating literally around the clock. In fact, I’m up eating while I write this at 4am.  I will definitely end up on the other side of this looking much different then I did on my 1200 calories a day lifestyle that I maintained this year. And I’m AOK with that!! Bring on the rolls.

I’m also nervous.  I have my regular appointment with the Oncologist today. I have blood work and find out if/how the febrile neutropenia will impact my treatment plan.  Will I start round 2 of chemo and begin radiation on Monday? There is a good chance I’ll have to postpone or weaken the dose of drugs to ensure I don’t end up so compromised again.  And that scares me.  What does that mean for my prognosis.  If I am delayed 1-2 weeks then that puts my treatment/recovery time over Christmas. I’ve mapped everything out and have made plans around what I thought would be my good weeks.  I hate not knowing. I hate that I feel I have no control over how my body reacts. I hate that it sucks at taking anything foreign.

But, I know I need to go, hear the plan, process it and move on. I’ll give myself the afternoon to mourn and cry if needed, but that’ it.  I do not have enough time to waste letting it get me down.  I have big plans this weekend friends.  Ryerysn has a PA day tomorrow and we’re going to have a date day.  The Grinch and decorating this weekend.  Family breakfast and decorating my moms’ tree Sunday.  And, I need to enjoy those things to the fullest.  So, that’s what I’ll do.

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